Ficklish Blog

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

jLo, Champion of the World

So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the direction my life is taking – or rather, the complete and utter absence thereof. I’ve been pondering, you know, a LOT, and more often than not I am saddened at the dearth of achievement in my current existence.

I used to be a winner, you see. A shining star. People would gaze upon my glowing, smiling countenance and be inspired. Some would even rub me for luck. Or at least, that’s what they said they were doing. I didn’t mind.

To be honest, I’ve been in a rut for some time. I haven’t tasted proper glory since that happy March day in 2003 when I accepted a great honour: Canberran of the Year. It was an accolade borne of hardship and tragic circumstance, to be sure, but the recognition warmed me from within and gave my life meaning and purpose.

Having gone several years without tasting this sort of success, I grew desperate. I cast around madly for something, anything, that I could do to bring my average back up to its previously stellar level.

I found my answer a month or so back, while at the pub with my lovely friend Madam Fox, who was celebrating a great milestone. Inspired and despondent in equal measure at her achievement, I grew bold and decided to make a pronouncement. Only a grand gesture, I decided, would be sufficient to get The Celebrated Life of jLo back on track.

I announced my intention to break a world record before my thirtieth birthday.

‘She’s mad!’, they all shouted. ‘What a foolish plan!’ ‘It’s only ten months away, there’s just not enough time!’. ‘Those delusions of grandeur, I always knew they’d get our jLo in the end.’

Today, I say to those naysayers: HA! I sure showed you.

Today, my friends, I am a World Record Holder.

Oh yes. The pinnacle of human endeavour, a listing in the Guinness Book of World Records. Glory beyond the fervent, wretched dreams of most mortals on this sad earth. My achievement to be lauded through the ages, a feat accomplished by none before.

I can hear the amazed mutterings already: ‘What did she say?’ ‘A WORLD RECORD?’ ‘Surely I misheard.’ ‘Which one?’

This one.
Yesterday afternoon, sometime after 7:00pm GMT, I was a member of the World’s Largest Coconut Orchestra.

Take a moment, catch your breath. I understand. WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY?

The World’s Largest Coconut Orchestra

Yesterday, you see, was St George’s Day, a traditional feast day to commemorate the patron saint of England. To mark the occasion, it was decreed that thousands of Londoners should converge upon Trafalgar Square, register their names, and be given a pair of coconut shells. Led by the cast of Spamalot, we clippity-clopped our coconuts in time to that happiest of tunes, ‘Always Look on the Bright Side of Life’.

It was official and everything. Instructions were given in a very serious manner, we practised hard and gave it our all. Messrs Gilliam and Jones came along to help out. The Guinness people were present to verify the attempt.

The previous record was set in March 2006 in New York, where 1789 people formed a coconut orchestra (I will NEVER tire of saying those words) in New York to mark the first anniversary of the opening of the musical. In London, yesterday, the record was thoroughly smashed: 5, 567 people. Take THAT, New York!

For posterity, this world-beating effort is described here and here and even here. There is utterly terrible footage of the feat here. [Amusingly, I think whoever took that video was standing about three feet away from where we were – I think I can hear myself whooping in victory at the end.]

Here is a photo of me with Rip van Winkle and Madam Fox, coconuts at the ready:

Flushed with success, we then adjourned to the pub to toast St George, as is the custom in these parts on that particular day. Fittingly, the pub we chose offered a selection of real ales with utterly delightful – and perfectly English – names. Let me tell you, there was no better way to cap off my first St George’s Day than to press up to a bar and ask for ‘two Spitfires and a Bishop’s Finger, please.’

A day later, my soul is peaceful. I feel the warm glow of achievement once more. It was a long, hard slog – but so worth it. I have oft looked in envy at those athletes, artists and outstanding professionals who are younger than me yet at the top of their game. Now I can stand proudly with them, knowing that I too have tasted the heady triumph of beating the world. My precious coconuts are here beside me as I type this, and I gaze upon them fondly, a souvenir of the day I reached the top once again. I’m BACK.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am very afraid this means we won't be getting another blog report from you until you break a Universe Record. I mean seriously - where to from here? Did you even think about that jLo, as you clip clopped away? It's dangerous to peak too soon. Look at Joseph Heller. Look at Luke Perry.

5:17 AM  
Blogger jLo said...

Ohmygod, there are UNIVERSE records? Well. There's my next goal sorted.

It'll be fine, J,The - sure, I'll have media appearances to attend and sponsorship deals to negotiate now, but I'll make sure I share the glory with those who have been there with me right from the beginning.

I can't even TELL you how pleased I am to be mentioned in the same sentence as Luke Perry. My life is truly complete.

9:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am preparing my interview responses for when they ask me what it was like to know you before you were famous.

"I always knew she had it in her. Whenever she walked past back in 2001, there was already a faint scent of coconut oil in the air..."

1:04 PM  
Blogger Mark said...

Your updates are always a delight.
By the way have you read or seen Dave Gorman? - your update reminded me of his style

10:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love how it is jLo who broke the world record and there is absolutley no mention of RVW & Madam Fox until the photo.

11:42 PM  

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