Nil desperandum?
(Don't worry, I'm not sure what my point is either).
To celebrate my lifetime membership of the Hooray for the Bleeding Obvious Club, I will say this: the thing about uncertainty is that you just have no idea what the hell is going to happen.
Mine is an unquiet, fussing brain - I’m running scenarios and outcomes in my head in an endless loop. That tightly-wound knot of apprehension in my subconscious leaks its way, drip by festering drip, into my everyday life. All my well-intentioned resolutions fall away, the to-do list is insurmountable and I seek refuge in sleep and chocolate and cigarettes and avoidance. I am blocked and stunted and tired, goddammit – tired of wondering and worrying and of the effort it takes to ignore it all, talk like I know what I’m doing and hope for the best.
My plans are precariously balanced, you see: considered and reasonably thorough but entirely dependent on a web of variables that stubbornly refuse to resolve themselves.
Tomorrow I get some answers, thankfully. It’s been a long week.
In the meantime, I cope by taking an absurd amount of satisfaction in everyday pleasures. Our boiler broke on Sunday and was fixed this morning just as our bathroom was receiving the scrubbing it so desperately required. The hot shower I had tonight was the best thing that's happened this week so far.
Then, warm and clean and relatively becalmed, I managed to magically solve one of my problems. I’ve been fretting about my laptop, lately, among other things – it’s getting on for three years old and has started to behave in an uncharacteristically unreliable fashion. For instance: Why is the screen so dim? There must be something wrong. I can barely read this, shit, it must be giving up the ghost. Will there be room in the budget for a new one? How the hell am I going to back everything up? Why haven’t I done that already? What if I lose everything, I’ll only have myself to blame, I really should have all this more sorted than I do, callyourselfanadultwhoareyoukidding, AAAARRGGGH.
(See how this works? No wonder I'm tired.)
Then! I found the little button that you brighten the screen with. I’m now blinded by refreshingly stark white pages. Sigh. The fun thing about being my kind of stupid is that these little triumphs can change my whole mood.
(Of course now there’s no need to worry about backing up my hard drive. It’s easily ignorable once again. Hoorah!)
RVW just bounded into the living room, shouting, “I know what I forgot to do today!”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“HAVE A BEER!”
And that made me laugh.
(You know, you should be more grateful that I don’t post more often. If I sit down and make myself write something, anything, whatever is on my mind, you get more entries like this. Sucks to be you guys!)
To celebrate my lifetime membership of the Hooray for the Bleeding Obvious Club, I will say this: the thing about uncertainty is that you just have no idea what the hell is going to happen.
Mine is an unquiet, fussing brain - I’m running scenarios and outcomes in my head in an endless loop. That tightly-wound knot of apprehension in my subconscious leaks its way, drip by festering drip, into my everyday life. All my well-intentioned resolutions fall away, the to-do list is insurmountable and I seek refuge in sleep and chocolate and cigarettes and avoidance. I am blocked and stunted and tired, goddammit – tired of wondering and worrying and of the effort it takes to ignore it all, talk like I know what I’m doing and hope for the best.
My plans are precariously balanced, you see: considered and reasonably thorough but entirely dependent on a web of variables that stubbornly refuse to resolve themselves.
Tomorrow I get some answers, thankfully. It’s been a long week.
In the meantime, I cope by taking an absurd amount of satisfaction in everyday pleasures. Our boiler broke on Sunday and was fixed this morning just as our bathroom was receiving the scrubbing it so desperately required. The hot shower I had tonight was the best thing that's happened this week so far.
Then, warm and clean and relatively becalmed, I managed to magically solve one of my problems. I’ve been fretting about my laptop, lately, among other things – it’s getting on for three years old and has started to behave in an uncharacteristically unreliable fashion. For instance: Why is the screen so dim? There must be something wrong. I can barely read this, shit, it must be giving up the ghost. Will there be room in the budget for a new one? How the hell am I going to back everything up? Why haven’t I done that already? What if I lose everything, I’ll only have myself to blame, I really should have all this more sorted than I do, callyourselfanadultwhoareyoukidding, AAAARRGGGH.
(See how this works? No wonder I'm tired.)
Then! I found the little button that you brighten the screen with. I’m now blinded by refreshingly stark white pages. Sigh. The fun thing about being my kind of stupid is that these little triumphs can change my whole mood.
(Of course now there’s no need to worry about backing up my hard drive. It’s easily ignorable once again. Hoorah!)
RVW just bounded into the living room, shouting, “I know what I forgot to do today!”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“HAVE A BEER!”
And that made me laugh.
(You know, you should be more grateful that I don’t post more often. If I sit down and make myself write something, anything, whatever is on my mind, you get more entries like this. Sucks to be you guys!)
posted by jLo at 11:50 PM
4 Comments:
Hey jLo - in the depths of your uncertainty vortex you still write a kickarse descriptive paragraph mate. You have described the spiral of anxiety very, very well. A little too well...;-)
I recommend a walk in the park or a nice hot drink and a bath with candles, and two hours which you set aside as a no-go zone for worrying. When the worry rears up, you say, "Back in your box, chocolate" and then you say, "Mm, chocolate."
Just remember, jLo. What you've just described is more normal than you think.
Oh JLo. Your kind of stupid is MY kind of stupid. I only just discovered that my car has a 6 stacker CD player and i've had that car for 3 YEARS. so you can imagine my joy....I can have 6 power ballad CDs on the go at the same time and not have to dice with death changing disks on the highway while simultaneously smoking, drinking a coffee and talking on the phone. Hurray for serendipidous stupidity!
jLo
This will make you feel better (or maybe not). Weird vid tho.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYBYOxKf8rk
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